Turning that frown upside down

So for a while I've been feeling a bit AWOL. There has been stress and I am one of these people who pushes through it and puts on a brave face until it gets to breaking point. I guess I'm so used to in the last couple of years to promoting positivity and preaching about being strong and just getting on with things, christ I mean you only need to read my blog to see that. So with the looming thought of leaving my job after working tirelessly without a sick day off in a year, and with working 60+ hour weeks which to be frank have taken it out of me, mentally and physically, I guess it just all caught up with me. Since November I have just done one day to the next.. with nothing stopping, well I guess it is safe to say I didn't even realise that actually Ive been quite poorly and that my body has been doing the suffering for me. I went to give blood as usual a couple of weeks ago, and it was then that my Haemoglobin levels actually didn't show up right, and well they did a blood test, and told me I would need to go see my doctor ASAP and that I wouldn't be able to donate again for at-least a year. This of course really upset me, I'm one of these people that I feel i lose purpose and existence if I am not doing something for someone else, I actually felt really worthless and crap, but I decided I would go see what was happening at the Doctors. Blood test results came back and said I have really bad anaemia, My iron levels were really low. They had no idea how I was working so much, and then doing other stuff like going to volunteer with St Johns. Since then it must have been like the lights came on, and I really started to feel it, Tired all the time, my whole body just aching, I used to be such a light sleeper and now I would sleep through anything, I have lost motivation, I feel like I have had the life zapped out of me, I feel grouchy, I don't even want to communicate with anyone because its too much of an effort. And here I am, 9 days left till I finish my job for good, move out and say goodbye to the children I have cared for since September, and then 10 days till I leave for Amsterdam and after that New York, and well August, I have no plan, nothing set in place.

The last couple of weeks, I really have not been myself, I think I just needed time to be down for once, as strange as that seems, I think we all need to allow ourselves to feel, even if it is to be down in the dumps and negative. Sometimes I think we really need that. I have let myself be moody, and a bit isolated, because I am not one of these people who likes to put things onto others, Im normally the carer and the one who takes on others problems, I feel selfish going to people to moan or to go on about my problems, when everyone has problems and most are much worse. So I guess this is what works for me.

Today however after eating really healthy Since Thursday after starting Slimming World, to make sure I get all the right foods into my diet, and after taking Iron sachets for the last week and a half, Im feeling a little sunnier today, which is how I have mustered the strength to write all this. Don't get me wrong I could fall asleep whilst typing away here, but the point is, I know I'm going to be okay, whatever happens and whatever I have to face.

No matter how down we get, or how cloudy and miserable our lives can seem at times, there really is always sunshine trying to break through, there is always things to smile about and to be content about. So yeah.. August I will have no job, for the one time in my life - I have nothing planned.. Im always the person who has had a job and gone to the next one, and never struggled. I have always had back up plans.. But you know what? Its kind of nice knowing that I don't have a back up plan, that I have not already set up the next stage yet. I think I'm kind of fed up with the stability I have given myself, and the constant working life. I am actually excited about the unknown and the fact Im free for the first time in a long time. I went from school to sixth form straight to university straight to graduate work and straight to job to job... Sometimes I feel I let myself get old too quickly and that I have always put pressure on myself. SO yeah I may be like the Walking Dead right now, but in 9 days I'll be on a plane out of here with my best friend, and then the week after that I will be finally in New York with Mumma, living one of my dreams, and who knows what dreams will follow after, but I know that the only things I will let follow after is just that... my dreams.

So for all of those out there, feeling like this, stuck in a slump, just remember, change is quick, change happens, embrace it, ride on the same wave as it, and make sure you grab every opportunity of happiness, love, friendship, family and dreams along the way.

Jade xox