A is for Anxiety
Genetics, Brain Chemistry, Personality and Life events are factors that can cause anxiety to develop.
Many people who are lucky enough to not have experienced anxiety often assume that someone suffering with anxiety is just nervous, shy or worried person, people often have no idea what anxiety actually is or what it means to someone that suffers from this burden.
I was such a confident, dramatic and headstrong child, It's hard to say if I was always going to turn out to have anxiety, or if one day it just happened. It was only as I got older I noticed certain things that were not really present before. I would worry about things that hadn't happened yet, I would have more concern over everyone else and whether I was doing right by them over whether I was even okay myself. It all started with obsession. Obsession with how I looked, obsession with what was mine, sometimes I could be like Gollum from Lord of The Rings and become so possessive over things and people, with no real reason for any of it. I used to have to have my own cups, and silly things like that and without it I would be so distraught. People on the outside would often mistake this obsession for me being vain or self absorbed when really it was the opposite. It then went on to add more and more little traits, I would begin to think EVERYBODY and I mean EVERYBODY was angry or upset with me, I would sit worrying about what I had done, and there was never even a problem. I started to push people away because I thought that they would just leave anyway. I was so worried about it in my head I thought that by just cancelling that relationship or friendship that I would be saving myself the worry and hassle, I thought it was so logical at the time, it was only ever after when I would be like 'Why on earth did I do that' and it ended up causing more sadness and hurt anyway.
As I got older and changed - my anxiety did too. If you have never suffered from a panic attack then you probably don't realise what its like to feel as if your going to die - for absolutely no other reason than just pure panic and dread that has set in for no reason what so ever. I had never had a panic attack until I was about 19, I was saved of that one way until this age. I can tell you now I probably never took a panic attack seriously before this and I often thought that the person was just creating it themselves. I was wrong. It physically hurts, and stopping one once it has started feels like the most impossible feat ever. Touch wood, once this cycle started I managed to nip it in the bud pretty soon, mostly out of pure determination, because it was horrific. Apart from all the obvious symptoms and ailments that I could sit and list about anxiety and living with anxiety, the main point is - It never goes, you don't just wake up one day, no longer a sufferer of anxiety. It lives with you always and won't ever go away.
I guess your thinking 'How bleak' - Well it's not. You find ways of handling stuff.
These days 90% of the people in my life are not even aware, and those that are well they don't even question it they probably don't even think about me having it. I guess I hide things well, and have learnt to deal with it myself. It doesn't mean that everyday isn't a battle anymore, because it is. What you must remember is 'You are not your anxiety' It will never define you. You have anxiety but you are not an anxiety.
Sometimes it is like being trapped in a maze, one moment your working hard on positivity and fresh beginnings, and then its a day where that doesn't seem important or even possible anymore. You lose all bother with it. I still have days where I think I have upset people, when I haven't. I still have times where I think everyone hates me. Those are just silly moments that don't equate to the rest of my time and life. They are like a pinprick on a great map of the world. I still go to push new people away at times, convincing myself that starting a new relationship or friendship is a waste of time that will lead to more hurt and loss, and then I remember that I cannot allow myself to become that person, because its not me. I wasn't made to be closed up, cold and closed away from love and giving love to others.
Sometimes I forget any goodness inside of me. I feel like the worst person. Then I try my hardest, I go into my own zone for a bit and reflect on everything and remember all I have, can and will overcome. When I used to become irrational, it used to go on for some time, now I have irrational moments, which are quickly taken away by calm and rational thinking. It can become easy to be taken over by a constant dread of living, a dread of hurting people, and them hurting you. Sometimes everything gets so cluttered and I am overcome by a million different thoughts, ideas and possibilities, a hundred 'what if's' and a thousand dreads. It really is a constant sensory overload. Which has often made me creative and imaginative and I feel like it has often made me a more empathetic person. In-fact if I had to name one thing great that has come of my anxiety - It is just that - Empathy. I became so scared of hurting other people and being horrible, because I would never want someone to feel like that, I go out of my way for people, and I often do too much, because I treat people how I would want to be treated and I would rather others were happy rather than me.
People have often thought that I need fixing, I do not need fixing nor do I need someone to come into my life to fix me, I run my life on fixing others. Scars don't need plasters after all. I also do not expect understanding. The one thing that angers me and upsets me the most is people making assumptions, just like you may do after reading this. Assuming I am weak, or depressed or a walk over. You would be wrong to assume that. I may have fragile moments, but I am so very strong. Stronger than you could ever know. I may shut down and not know what to say sometimes, I may pester you and go out of my way for you - out of worry of losing you or hurting you. Some days I do feel nervous and closed up, other days I have all the confidence in the world. I may hate being late, I hate not having plans made, EVERYTHING in my life is ruled on routine, plans, and certainty. I hate the unknown, I hate not knowing. I need to know everything, times, dates, how you feel, and I need constant reassurance. BUT.. I appreciate everything, the little things, the effort, the patience. I will listen to everything you say and I will remember. I will remember those little things that make you YOU, and I will make you feel like a good and amazing person. I love fiercely and those I know will get smothered by my love and care. I know for a fact I would take those good things and the anxiety all together over having no anxiety and none of these 'better' things that come along with it.
1 in 4 of us suffer from anxiety in just the UK alone. Maybe you do, maybe someone you know does, please just remember that it doesn't define them. Women are 3 times more likely to be treated for anxiety but men are 3 times more likely to die by suicide than women in the UK. Maybe if we all spoke more, told people how we feel. Maybe if we all spread the word much more, and stopped treating stuff like this a stigma, maybe less people would feel alone in their thoughts and feelings. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Please remember that. Stand up, stand proud, if we can do it for other issues than why can we not do it for this too. It is normal, it is life. Your never alone.
I guess I just wanted those of you who are in the same situation, that I know how it feels, and its okay :)
