Built how we are

Recently I have reached many points where I have questioned myself. People have either let me down, people that I would never of thought would, or people have just treated me like rubbish in general. There has been a few times in the last week where I have been made to feel like rubbish or that I am simply not good enough. I have got frustrated at myself, and even blaming myself, because if I didn't care so much or wear my heart on my sleeve like an idiot then none of these feelings would exist, and I would probably be a more happier and care-free person.

But after thinking about it, I realized that - I am built this way for a reason, and that I should never question myself or assess myself and feel that I should ever have to change. Nobody should ever feel like that.

When I was around 5, my earliest memories were My Mum and Dad arguing and fighting - I used to put myself between them and ask them to just stop, even at that age I was naive enough to think that I could fix things and people and that things in life were so simple, so simple that I could save an already broken relationship and make two people happy, when the sad truth was, that was never going to be.

When my brother came along - not so long after, I remember being so excited that I finally would have someone that would go through it all with me, so that I wasn't alone when Mum or Dad was crying, I finally had a second in command, and I smothered him and did the annoying big sister thing and still have to this day. Having him taught me to put myself second at an early age, and it taught me that no matter how bad things can get and how alone you can sometimes be that with a sibling who has gone through it all with me - that I'll never be alone in facing things again.

However with my Mum and Dad separating badly, I did learn to be selfless, to this day, I put myself behind anyone I care for, which has meant that I have learnt bad habits, my own worries tend to go on the back burner and I take on everyone else s worries. I have always had to be the protector, and this has meant that I have often found it hard to deal with my own issues, and that I have taught myself to be insignificant to others. - Which is why to this day I think that I have wanted to be a paramedic, because of my need of fixing things and caring for others.

I have often seen all these things to be complete downfalls when it comes to relationships, for one - I always get hurt, I see the good in people - which sometimes isn't there, I trust to easily, and I always fall for things. I also hold onto things when I should learn to let go.

So yes -
Wearing my heart on my sleeve - Is going to make me get ten times more hurt.
Trusting and giving so easily - Will make me feel like I have nothing back
Loving and forgiving too much - Is going to drain me and make me feel weak
Taking things to heart - Will make me feel more downs then ups

But these are values I have learnt through my life, and I can't change who I am, and I don't intend too, as it's got me where I am today, and it's brought me the people I have in my life now.

So for all of you - Never second guess yourself, or wish that you were different. We are all built differently and we have all become the people we are today for a reason, so embrace the things about you that you wish were different, because someone out there wishes for those things for themselves.

Jade xox