Jade Marie Vallely: How I self helped myself.

Not everything I write comes easily or is simple to write. This post is not one of them, but it's necessary because I am a firm believer in honesty especially honesty which may go on to help someone reading this.

When I was about 15 - I started to notice how unusually stressed I would get - about the smallest things. One little thing like misplacing something would have the power to ruin my whole entire day, so much that I would not even go to school and would do anything and say anything to just stay in bed and watch the day pass away. Alongside these downers - I would start to fixate over my appearance, hating how I looked and even though I was small and slim - I would look in the mirror and see something completely different. I controlled this in the worst possible way by throwing up almost everything I ate. This part to me - seemed like nothing and for the next 7 years - It would always seem like nothing. The real thing that would freak me out was these downers - the ones that made me insecure, anxious and paranoid and most likely made me a nightmare friend and later a nightmare girlfriend, but it also made me a nightmare to everyone in my life - family included. What was so hard to cope with was that I didn't even understand it myself and I felt like people believed I could just turn it on and off and that I was just playing up - I wasn't - I just could not control my moods and everything that came with them. As much as this downers were hard to deal with - The highs were just as bad - I guess at the time they didn't feel bad - That's the point of them - But in some ways they could be more dangerous especially as I reached 17 - Excessive drinking, excessive spending, uncontrollable behavior and hyperactivity and a sense of there being no danger in anything I did. I still have to suffer for these moods - because at 18 - I got myself into debt by uncontrollable and pointless spending where I had days where I didn't even think or question what I was doing. Being a teenager is scary enough but suffering with something you can't explain - is even more scary. At 18 - I went to the doctors, I didn't really know what to say, what is there to say? 'Oh Hi Doctor, I seem to get sad sometimes and then happy and then the next thing I know I have brought loads of stuff I don't remember buying?' It wasn't that simple and to be honest - I just remember going there and crying and well not even my doctor really knew what to say so in the end I was referred to a specialist someone that knew more about this kind of stuff, and well within a few months I had already started regular counselling sessions, which I hated and well I know they help a-lot of people, But I just felt that they were just trying to dig into my whole life and find an excuse for my behavior. Yes - My parents split up when I was little - Yes I had a hard time seeing them fight throughout my childhood and Yes - It was hard not being able to be a kid when I was a kid - But NO none of this was why I felt like how I felt because my childhood may not have been normal to everyone else but it was normal to me - I had no excuse for what was happening, it just happened. So in the end I was diagnosed with an eating disorder - which I guess I saw coming and I was also told I had mild bipolar disorder which bordered on depression. I didn't go back to counselling. Instead the Doctors just put me on anti-depressants and that was that.

Not long after being put on anti-depressants I started University and I actually started feeling pretty good - new change of scene, new people, I had got over a relationship and I was in a good place, I later went on to find someone else, which started okay and I still felt good, but falling for the wrong person - a person who cheated on me, brought back a-lot of stuff, and the fact that I was failing to take the anti-depressants properly - put me on a horrible path which lasted another three years. I ended up staying with someone - because I was scared to be alone, and I thought I couldn't and I was with someone who never understood me, or the illness that I had been trying so hard to fight all this time - they made me feel like I was wrong, paranoid and useless and in the end stuff like that can trap you. Other things had happened in this time to which had been hard to deal with - all this on top of exams and trying to get a degree - I did however get a Media Degree and to this day I am pretty proud of myself for actually sticking with it and achieving what seemed unattainable.

Nearly a year and a half ago now that relationship came to an end because somehow I managed to finally find the strength and braveness to walk away for good - It took a-lot over them years but it was the only thing I could do in the end. Throughout my time of suffering with depression - I did self harm and I did do stupid things like taking an overdose. It's something I find so hard to think about or to talk about - and now I am only reflecting on it because recently I know of someone who did take their own life, and it got me thinking about it all again - I know I never intentionally wanted to die or anything like that, I can't explain how I felt at the time, but it came from a place of sadness and desperation and sometimes you can feel like you have no other path or no other way to be heard or to have someone listen. I am only so grateful I snapped out of it at the time because I cannot think of anything more horrible or tragic. I guess I just want to raise awareness and let people know who have or are in this place - that people have been there too and that there are other ways out and that they are never alone and there is always hope.

In December/January I made the decision to quit anti-depressants for good. One day I just woke up and that was that - I had come so far, I believed in myself and I was fully aware of how amazingly strong I was. You really shouldn't just stop and should always consult your doctor. But I was in a good place and had been for such a long time that I was confident that there would be no issue. I have never felt better. I'm not going to lie and say that I am 100% better and that I don't have down days - Because I do. Sometimes I do get insecure, I wake up sometimes and think I cannot do this - and then I stop and tell myself I can - Because I already have for 23 years of my life. Sometimes I still get anxious and think silly things and doubt myself or those in my life - But then I realize how far I come. Sometimes I still get hyper and talk fast and get over excitable but instead of criticizing myself and thinking that I need to reign myself in I just embrace it and realize all these things make me - me.

I just didn't want to rely on medication and in the end I struggle everyday to keep on-top of my emotions, but I have done such a good job, and I know that I am going to be absolutely okay.

I guess I just learnt along the way to replace despair with hope, to force myself to smile when I want to frown and to force myself out of bed every morning with positive thoughts. Its not easy - Its hard and to everyone I know who suffers themselves or to people I know who care about or love someone suffering with any type of mental health illness - then hang in there, patience is your best friend and in the end there is always a better ending.

So please believe and know that whatever is happening right now - can be fixed and is temporary, you are stronger than you know and you are never alone. If you feel like you may need help then talk to someone - anyone, and if you are on anti-depressants and dream about a day where you don't have to be - then its possible and you can - you just need to do everything in your own way and how you think is best for you.

I can only hope that this post - which was hard to write, has helped someone, or at-least made someone feel that they are not alone in the way they feel and has raised awareness about which can sometimes be a stigma and a taboo subject. Its not - It happens.

I will leave you with some shocking statistics about depression which will hopefully open your eyes a little and make you think about something which is a common illness which can be treated with awareness.