We are all built the way we are, flaws and all. I'm not perfect, nor do i pretend to be. I am simply just who I am and we can never really hide or change who we really are, and why should we.
Sometimes life happens so quick, each day passes, we don't have time to think about certain things or to ingest them fully. I guess that's one of the sad things about life.. blink and you will miss it. I guess this is why sometimes I never fully have time to see how I can come across as a person, and to understand it or to even realize it. Life is full of stress and most of the time I am working all these things out that I don't realize how I have been often till it is too late.
I spent most of my teenage years fighting with an eating disorder and anxiety and with extreme mood differences. This led to erratic behavior, drinking way to much, doing stupid things, not caring for my health, losing relationships, and friendships and a best friend along the way. I was lost to be fair, and in the end I crashed and burned and my behavior and lack of care to my health led me to become seriously ill and I ended up in hospital for two weeks with quinsy and when I first got into hospital they said it wasn't looking good. I cant even imagine now how hard and horrible this must have been for my family. I pulled through though, but sadly the illness had left me very underweight, skinnier than I had ever been. I reached seven stone and I couldn't leave hospital until I had at-least put on a few pounds. Back home that was expected to be that and that I would just now get on with these, but obviously I got back to a healthy weight eventually and the insecurities kicked in. I suddenly thought that the 7 stone weight I was - was the normal weight and so that anxiety never went away. Then I ended up in a relationship that I didn't really want to be in, but I had moved out of home, and at the time I needed the stability, I thought it would solve everything, and take away all these problems. Sometimes we get it wrong. If anything my last relationship formed more insecurities and made me believe that I had to be certain way and that everything I felt was wrong, the way I was treated I began to think was normal.
It was only really about a year ago that I started believing in myself, and trying less to fit in, but I guess this was because there was no longer a pressure to please anyone, I spent time all by myself alone, and that became the new normal. I got to know myself, I became to strong. I stopped caring. I stopped crying. And I started doing. Working, volunteering, travelling, writing, anything that would fill the gap of what was no longer there - Somebody to worry about and to consider.
At the beginning of this year I took myself of the anti-depressants that I had been relying on for the last three years, I have not looked back and finally I am able to not rely on anything. It used to be such a hard thing for me to talk about or open up about but now I realize I should not define myself like that or stigmatize anything.
Now comparing myself to my eighteen year old self - I am more calm, I don't suddenly go on a depressive mode where I don't speak for days or leave my room. Nor do I go on a manic mode where I do erratic things like get myself into debt and spend money I don't have. Life was horrible for me then and I didn't even realize it at the time, and it makes me sad thinking of what I was doing and why. I no longer have daily panic attacks and nor do I think about making myself sick everyday like before. I am different now, older and wiser and stronger. But I still have this horrible habit of pushing people away. I don't know whether its a defense thing, protecting myself from being hurt horribly like before. Or just that I have it stupidly programmed into my head that everyone will leave anyway. I have had best friends leave and stab me in the back and boyfriends break my heart - So perhaps my stupid logic tells me that what is the point in letting people get close to you anymore - because everything will end, and everything will turn out bad, why risk it.
I should know better - The last year I have made best friends, from near and far, from meeting in a different country to meeting at work. I guess what I am saying is is that sometimes we all need to just slow down, and take time to breathe and truly think about things for what they are. Instead of thinking the worst, we need to think the best. Instead of thinking everyone will leave, instead that someday someone wont leave, and they will stick around through your bad days and your good. All of it will be worth it. I guess each one of us is a working progress and there is always something we can work on, we all have imperfections, its what makes us human, and different from one another. But the most important thing I have learnt through everything is never let the bad change you into a bad version of yourself, never let it alter your path or your persona. Always let it make you stronger but never let it make you cold and closed.
No comments:
Post a Comment