8 months ago, I had nowhere to live, It was all just back at a standstill again. From before I had come so far, travelled, volunteered in Thailand, stayed single, did not invest in boys, heart stayed all strong and locked up. I was renting in a house share. It was okay. But then something happened. I thought the thing that we all get the one that changes everything.. I thought 'Is this enough, am I actually happy' I left the job I was in, I left the place I was staying and it needed to change again. I became a Nanny, a live-in Nanny, and I decided that I needed to take a time out, sort myself out, decide what it was I wanted to become. Moved in with a family, no worries of rent or bills, and suddenly I became like a mother of 3 children. I lost that 'Me' time again and whether I intended to or not, I grew to love three little children who I was giving my all too, I realised that this was more than a job. I had to be a teacher, a carer, I had to put their needs first, and listen to all the little human things that children think, feel and do. It became me. Suddenly I was a chef, a chauffeur, a story reader, and artist, an inventor, a cleaner, a maid, so on so on. When I lost someone in a tragic way in November, things changed so much, I had to be grown up and thank god I had this practice, because Mum needed me and I needed to be there for her, in the way I had learnt to care for others. Looking back, this job, those children they got me through and I didn't even realise at the time. I haven't taken time off or a day off here, so I worked through the grief and the loss of someone, the hardship of watching someone pass away, and the sadness that followed death. It got me through, I had to paint a smile on everyday for them and be strong for everybody around me. Well, my job, the children, my boss, they don't need me anymore. The time has come where they will all be at full time school, and I literally feel like they are flying the nest, and now... its just me again. Its bizarre, it probably sounds crazy, but they became a part of my life, and well.. I guess, like parents have to do when their kids go to university or big school, I have to focus on me again. Still I won't lie I am heartbroken. Thank-god I'm still young for a little longer at-least. I have time back. I was at a point where I was not even having time to keep in contact, to go out, as I when I wasn't working 60+ hours a week or babysitting I was sleeping and recovering.
Now don't get me wrong... I do not have it bad. I have it good. Despite a time where I practically lived off of Antibiotics, and the time I was 18 and very poorly, hours away from death. I have it good indeed.
So I started to think about the good. I started to turn it around and make it positive. Because this time, I am not just going to have a quick go at being strong, making it work and patching it up.. I have to do it properly, I have to sort it for life. Can't despair, or be like 'Just my luck' Instead, I think after a long time of patching it up and painting over the marks.. Its time to just undo it in a way. I have been thinking hard all week, about who I am, who I always was, and who I want to be.
Despite the fact that I am yet - to find 'the good guy' - or even be involved with 'the good guy' - I still have hope, and It's not like I have just shut down anyone I have come across. Trouble is, I can be too 'nice' - I care probably far more than the other person ever does, and because of my inability to lose the hope of love and all the mush that comes with it, I give people chances. Now before, I used to be like the best way to deal with it, is just to block it all of, put up the guard, be miserable, and so on. Its easy to do that isn't it. I just don't think that will ever be. I have learnt to accept myself, love myself, and being a person that can be loved, is all you can do, to just have the ability to love and be loved back. So all this I just leave to fate now, which I find is an easier and less stressful option.
I still remain to this day absolutely blessed and grateful that I have a Mum and Dad who I am so close too, despite the fact they are not and haven't been together since I was a little one, individually they are both my best friends. Oh and a brother who is a little brother, but now a bigger brother, so lucky to have the bond we do. In-Fact, I have the best grandparents, amazing cousins, etc - <3
In myself, I have come so far, took steps back, gone a yard back and forward again. A roller-coaster. Last year I have stuck to it all though. Im finally coming across confident and with that inner happiness, and I feel healthier, stronger, fitter, and it's progress, and this will just continue. I think I have just been hurt a lot in the past, like we all do. By friends, relationships even family. Sometimes betrayal is like a rejection and you just end up like a rock. Not much movement, direction or progression but strong. I just think the time is here, when it has to be more than just about being strong. I have achieved that, but there is nothing wrong with a little weakness, whether its trusting someone, learning to love again or by forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to move, to challenge and to let the guard down.
Friends. As you get older, its true, you find out the true ones, and end up with a handful who become family, who stay for life, who are part of you. Recently I have seen that to be true, a friend from University, a best friend, just went MIA, and it made me think that you need to really hold on to these good ones, and the ones that know you, love you and don't hurt you. I am lucky to have a best friend who is a sister for sure, in-fact most of what you have read, is because of her, she got me through. You always need that one. I also have a girl I made friends with at work who to this day I still adore. A friend from school who is in that circle too. It makes it all so much better, easier and worthwhile with a circle you can trust.
Im going to be moving back home for the first time since I was 20. Which is going to be a mix of emotions, but nowhere in the world can beat home, and as for a career? Well this is where I've decided to stop wasting time. Those that know me will know I want to be a paramedic. I want to have a career where I help others. Its just what I want. So no more wasting time. I will be chasing my dreams from now and chasing everything I want, After-all it's not just going to turn up on my doorstep. Its work, it's all what you put in. So no more negativity, false friends, silly guys, getting by on a job, being unsettled with no place to call home... Its time I start living for me, for my dream. So its focus and chasing what I want and acceptance. I want to let people in, make new bonds, friendships, relationships without being scared of the risks that come with it, the risks of being hurt, or maybe even it working. I am going to keep up all the good work so far and not go through the same mistakes again.
Plus I have a holiday in Holland with the Besty to look forward to and then a New York vacation with the mumma all in July - which I am rather proud of because I actually have managed to save for the whole ten days and pay off 3500 all by myself for these trips. Growing up for sure!
So, its never to late, to change something, to start again. So all of you, if there is something you know isn't right, or isn't making you happy. Change it, and don't waste time NOT chasing what you want and your dreams.
So, its never to late, to change something, to start again. So all of you, if there is something you know isn't right, or isn't making you happy. Change it, and don't waste time NOT chasing what you want and your dreams.
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