How the past still seems like yesterday

It's been a long time coming, a post about this, or even talking about it.
At the same time, maybe it should just stay locked away like a lot of other things.
It's true what they say though, if you have healed from something it becomes easier to write about, but can you ever truly heal from everything or are there just some things that remain scars forever. Perhaps for a reason.

If I am completely honest, I don't even know how to write about this, or if I even should. With my writing - I write for myself, but I also write hoping that others can make sense of it, and that others can think 'God I've been there' or 'I know exactly what she means' Writing can heal, but it can help others feel like they are not alone in their experiences, and if more discussion happened perhaps more could be done, things could be fixed, and we can all make sense of what we go through in life.

They say that we are who we are today because of our PAST. Everything that happens to us in our lives, affects us, whether we realise that at the time or not. Actions have consequences, and past hurts can affect why we are the way we are today.

We are going back to a time in my life, where even now it is still crystal clear, but at the same time an ongoing blur that at the time made no sense either.

I was 18. Thinking that - That's now 6 whole years ago. Is.. well.. frightening. Time does go so quickly, but it could just as easily be like yesterday. Now seeing as well there is this fabulous, invading thing - 6 degrees of separation. We all know its likely that if your reading this blog, then you know me, know of me, or know people that I know. So I will not be naming names, if you know me well, then you will know anyway, and again I am not writing this as if I'm creating a transcript for a Jeremy Kyle show, it's writing about myself. Although to any younger readers out there who are 18 or around that age now, it may be like something you know so well, and all I can say is thank god in one aspect that I am not still at this age, looking back does feel like looking back onto someone else's life now.

I wouldn't say I ever had an 'easy' time of things. But during my second year of sixth form things -clicked into place and out of it- at the same time. Home-life was chaotic, and although at the time it was fun and cool to be drinking - I kind of took it too far. At the time you never really see what is really going on, we don't know what happens in other peoples lives. As much as everyone around me thought it was funny - If I was to be like that now It would be an issue, people would think - Why is she drinking so much? I had good friends in sixth form. I had had the same three best friends throughout most of school, and in year one of sixth form that stayed the same. But at that age, there really is no maturity, everyone is in a mixed place, 'stress' of study and not really knowing what they want to be. You take things, times, and people for granted, and the time goes in a blink of an eye that so much can happen, so many drastic changes. I have always been one of these people - I count people so important and close to me but go the wrong way about it all. I had a turbulent childhood like many, - parents broke up - bad times with them, we moved around a bit. Weekends were spent with my dad, weekdays with my mum ( the usual thing ) - But it just meant that I was always scared people would leave. I had only known people to leave, and that's when I would react.

So turning 18, being drunk a lot, coming out of a relationship, I would panic that I just couldn't trust anybody. I would push people away without even realising. I also had issues that I didn't even know about, and I don't think the people round me really even knew. I had an eating disorder, anxiety and bouts of depression, but to me I thought it was all pretty normal. I had a best friend, that became really close to me. We had been in a friendship group but in second year it kind of grew apart, however we grew closer. Everyone knew we were best friends, we were seen as a duo, but she started to become closer with some new girls (as you do) and It's as if I just self destructed, the way I saw it she would leave anyway, so I may as-well push her to do it sooner. It was ridiculous. I had also been really poorly at sixth form and was in hospital for a while, and I went back in second year and was off for a while, I guess without knowing it, I was just down, but at the same time I didn't talk about to my friends, especially my best friend, so to her I was probably just acting like a bitch, when really I was just acting out as a bit of a lost, down, and depressed 18 year old.  We had a massive fall out. People split into groups, it was sour, things happened on both sides. But even then I just didn't admit or show that I was that bothered. Its always been the same with me.. Put on a brave face, act strong, don't show it affects you. When really this just painted me as the bad guy. Its not even that, but it was playground stuff too. Being at sixth form everybody knew, so everyone had their say, people told me stuff about her, what she had said, done, obviously it was just rumours - thank god playground days are over, but obviously people did the same to her. It was pure bitchiness, girls can be terrible, but boys joined in too, it was like everyone wanted a massive fight and feud, but you never know at that age how damaging that can actually be. So I hated her, she hated me, when really I don't think I even had hate for her, I loved her. Its only as I got older, and went through my own life experiences, grew up, discovered new friendships that I look back and realise it was probably all hearsay. I remember people telling me she had spiked my drink at a party, and I believed it so much it made me sure to not speak to her, when in reality if I had, we may still have been friends to this day.

I obviously grew up. went to University and made new friendship groups, with a best friend who became like a sister, she taught me about friendship, and with her I put my trust completely. We never argue, we never let it get to that stage, and we work on our friendship, we talk, and its different. I went on to Travelling Asia, and found another best friend there, and one through work and its the same thing, distance or time changes nothing. I still have great friends that I have had from school too the other two girls in the group I still adore, although we don't see eachother as often as I like. So why now am I writing this? For a long time I stayed away from certain places, didn't speak to certain people. I guess I was hurt for a long time, and felt betrayed by certain people. As you grow up you let go of it, because you go through harder things. But when my Brother was out recently he mentioned he had seen that old best friend of mine from the glory days of 18, and well it made me think. Sometimes things can pop up, you go forever without thinking about it or someone and well, then there it is and suddenly your back to that time as if it was the here and now, because the feelings didn't ever really go, not if your like me, and care too bloody much about everything. I've been home a lot more now. Living back there. It was like stepping into a time machine. When my brother told me it dawned on me, everyone else would be back, and you think you can live your life avoiding something, someone, a situation, but the  reality is you cant do that forever. So Boom... There I was thinking all of what I have said in this post. I did try to reach out once to my old best friend, she didn't want to know, she blamed me for it all, as if she was the only one that got hurt and I know she still wouldn't want to now. I lost a lot of 'friends' during that time, and still to this day - I know old alliances most likely exist, and that people just don't want to know, or go back. Which I get. It just makes it hard. It would be nice to be able to walk down the street and if you accidently bump into someone to be able to be civil. I hold no hate towards anybody, I just wish it could have moved on and got to a point of rest. It did hurt me massively and I don't want to have to be wary of who I talk to now or get close too, through worry of mutual friends. It made me so untrustworthy for a while and conscious of friendships, because it did ultimately make me feel like even more like 'everyone leaves, and goes' 

Also back after sixth form I wrongly assumed me and this best friend had sorted it out, we had wrote to each other and seen each other and I thought in my mind we had cleared the air but then one day she had just blocked me on things and that was that. I assume it could never be the same for her, or that she heard more hearsay. 

So I guess by summing it up - If you are in this situation now, then resolve it, talk about it, discuss it. Having a best friend doesn't have to be compromised - Things can always be fixed and sorted. That time of your life can be hard, confusing, unsettling, but you can salvage things.

I also just want to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone I have ever wronged, whether I realised or not. I am sorry. If I took you for granted, your friendship for granted, I like to think now I am a better person, an improved person, but it can still happen. So to everyone value your friends, make them feel important, and hold on to them, don't go days without speaking or hold grudges, you will regret it one day. Friends are the family you choose after all, and to those who I am lucky to have in my life now.. I love each and everyone of you :)

Anyone else ever experienced something like this? Let me know

Jade xox