It seems like bad things just keep on happening, and you tell yourself time after time the same stuff and the same advice. But life is about just carrying on and pushing through, its not like we can just give up is it? The last 7 months, there is change as usual. Its not like you saw yourself becoming a Nanny, even though compassion and care has always been there, its not the path you saw yourself taking and you know its not the path that you will be on for the rest of your life. We are given things temporily for reasons, to learn more to grow and to carry on us on to the next step.
Dealing with losing someone, watching someone leave this world was hard, possibly one of the hardest things you ever have had to go through, and second to that being there for Mum, watching her sadness and despair, and as a daughter trying to fix things and understand things when there has been nothing but darkness in those worst times. You thought you had done all the growing up there was to do, but you were wrong, there was things you learnt since that day in November that you never even knew needed learning. You had never had to really deal with anything like this before, and then to lose other people in the family, through such tragic circumstances as recent as March, it has made you think. Family truly is precious, and you count your family as your everything, because that and your close friends is all you count as yours... Its what you have and hold on too. Which is why everyday it has hurt you that you have that one person who you saw as so important, to not want you in their life anymore, because you thought family was forever and that family forgive always. It wasn't the case, sometimes we have to just let go and accept others for what they feel and want. It is sad, but we can't change certain things unfortunately.
Its good that you count your blessings everyday when it comes to those you love. You are so lucky to have parents that are like best friends, a brother, beautiful and loving grandparents, cousins you have gone through so much with and a whole family over in Ireland who you are yet to experience. The friends you do have now are best friends who you could never imagine living without, they are family now too. The ones who have gone.. well that's for a reason. They were not meant to stay. But remember everyone who enters your life brings something, a lesson, a reason, and they leave in the same way. Those who stay were meant to stay. Nothing is coincidence.
Don't worry so much about the fact that your not at where you want to be yet. Some of the best and most talented people didn't get there until they were older then you are, and some of them didn't even know what it was they wanted to do. It will happen, and when it does you will be happy you took the time in truly finding out what it is that will make you content and happy everyday, a job in which just fits, which makes sense, a mixture of using talent, and doing good for others. Keep that idea of 'Having a job that allows you to do good in the world' - I know that it will be to do with this. I feel it. It just doesn't work any other way - then to try and try to help and fix things. Its always been the way. For now, its shaping and helping three little ones to grow into adults, what you do now, shapes them forever.
Its not always easy, even though you have your own life in check and even though your 'stronger' then you have ever been. It can still be hard everyday, and I think its simply because you care a lot, about everybody else, and how they are. You deal with not just your life, but those around you, because they have battles that they are facing, and you cant stand to let them deal with them alone. You want to help everyone else, and be there for others, and somehow this takes light off your own troubles and your own life. Sometimes it is as if there is no time left for you. It can be lonely, with work, because its not the kind of job in which you see people throughout the week, and when you get the time off you are helping out others or volunteering in some way.
I think you started this pattern off a few years back, when you were left with next to nothing after losing so much. Focusing on everyone but yourself made it easier to get through all the bad things I guess. But then you have always put yourself second to those you care about.
I'm glad your over the stage of 'Needing' to find someone, and needing to settle for someone. Never settle. You wasted so much time (nearly a year) on someone because you didn't want to be lonely, you let them change you, you let them tell you what colour to dye your hair (I mean come on!!) You should have learnt from every guy you have ever been with - That you shouldn't put up with shit like that. Just because someone is older than you - Should never mean they are right or know what is best. Only you can ever know what is best and right for you. Someone will come along who wont want to change you - That will be someone you should open the walls to again, but never anybody else. You worry you come across too closed off, and guys have said that. But they say that because they are not right for you either you know you will give everything to the right one and there is no shame that they just haven't come along yet. So I'm glad that you feel and know this all now. Yeah its been hard that your the only single one in your friends, but so - it means nothing. You just cant and wont get hurt again over nothing. Next time you let someone in they have to be worth it, it has to be real, and you have to get butterflies when you see them, it has to be a good thing. You have put up with so much rubbish - so much so that you even wondered if there was any good guys out there, doubting that is just awful, because there is good guys out there, and there is someone for everyone, I truly believe that. If you have a dream then you cant just let it diminish, and if you know what you want from a guy and a relationship you cant just settle or give it up for something that means nothing to you. If you want to be romanced then wait for it, if you want something special and amazing, then wait for that too. No more wasting time on the same old guys, stupid date sites, or anything like that. Wait to be swept away by someone good and special. The risk will always be worth it then. I promise.
Sometimes people say 'Oh you should be more selfish' 'Stop worrying so much about everyone else' 'Focus on you' But if your a selfless person, selfishness is just not you. You worry about those you love, because if they are okay then you have one less worry. Focusing on you, is focusing on what makes you happy and if making others happy is a part of that then never stop. It could of been so easy, to give up, to change. People showing you their worst, and giving you hurt, has only made you more determined then ever to not be like that yourself. Everyday it becomes more clearer that trying to do good everyday, and trying to be a better person and helping others in any way you can - is the best way, you may fail, but trying is the main part.
Change happens every single day. Don't let it change the good in you.. only let it alter the bad.
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