I haven’t wrote for so long. Even now I am not sure where to
begin. Recently I’ve found myself struggling. I have been trying to block out
being negative and down, because I didn’t want to become a contradiction. My
whole surviving tactic for the last few years to get through various battles
was to simple preach. I spent time writing, writing this blog even, preaching
about positivity and being strong, that eventually I started acting like I couldn’t
be affected, like I was so strong and that nothing could affect me. People
would come to me for advice, and I would give them answers, and tell them how
everything works out, and how all we can do is carry on and grow stronger and
braver. So who was I to now not be okay? After-all I was ‘dealing’ with my
anxiety, I couldn’t exactly go back on everything? I became so concerned with
keeping up this image of being a strong person, of moving forwards and dealing
with it all, convincing myself of this also.
I got back from an amazing couple of weeks travelling. The
busyness kept me from missing the children I had left as a Nanny, and The effect
of that didn’t get round to catching up with me. I started a new job, a completely
different job from what I had done before, and I worked solidly for weeks on
end. I had been seeing someone new, and
I guess things were just moving, even when that finished with that person, I
did ultimately feel like shit, but I just threw myself into work much more. I
would sleep, work, sleep, work and nothing much in between. It was physically draining,
mentally draining. Then well.. I turned 25. In my life, I tend to be a sarcastic
bitch most of the time, and I have no problem with joking about myself, But I guess
as silly as it sounds turning 25 was a bit of a turning point, because from
that point on it was as if I gave up a little. My body slowed down, I was so
tired, I ached so much, the constant work took its toll. Yet I couldn’t say anything, I am so
stubborn, I couldn’t just give up. I kept pushing, but I started to see how it
was wearing me down and changing me, I wasn’t me. I started to feel angry and
horrible and irritable, and like I had absolutely nothing going from me, and I
was now another year older, and not another year closer to much. I always
thought by 25, I would have a partner, a career I was sure I wanted, a clear
goal. I even thought about how I always wanted to be a youngish mum and that I should have already
started looking at starting a family. None of this was close in sight. So as my
body buckled from pressure, stress and all round neglect so did my mind. If you
suffer from anxiety you know that no matter what medication you take, no matter
what therapy or outlet you have if your body is done, so is your mind, and boom
there is the anxiety worse than it could ever be.
I became miserable pretty quick. Those around me could tell,
and in general, I wasn’t able to give anything to anyone. It came to a head,
because I just couldn’t even physically or mentally go to work last Monday. I
had nothing to give, and it goes to show how quick you can go down. I was so
sick and I felt poorly. Everything seemed so much worse, I started to just
think, about things I had put behind me, ‘dealt with’ pushed to one side. I
missed the children I nannied for. I felt bad that I had no energy or time to
do my volunteer work. I felt bad about past friendships, relationships, I
started missing things and people that hadn’t even entered my mind in a long
time. I suddenly felt crap about the guy I had been seeing, and wondering why
am I not good enough. I started questioning work, whether I was even good enough
to do the job I was doing. Then I cried for the first time in about 10 months,
I had a panic attack. That’s when I thought enough is enough.
I went straight to the doctor. Overexhastion, overstressed,
poorly anyway, and anaemia levels were more down then the last time. I was
signed off work for a week. I was told to go and just be, to take a break from
everything, because I haven’t had a ‘break’ in a long long time.
Today I can actually finally sum things into words, because
It’s important, It’s important for you to know that sometimes we can’t just be
okay. I want to retract things I have wrote before about positivity and being
strong, because it’s not true. You can’t be strong all the time, and you can’t
be positive all the time either. It’s not realistic. We need to feel, we need
to deal with it face on and we need to have bad and sad times to have the good.
Life and battles are no good shoved under the carpet. You become strong by
dealing with the bad and living with the battles. In an ideal world it would be
nice to be a glass half full everyday but it’s just not going to happen. No
matter who we are, we all have a weakness and a point where enough is enough,
what’s important is what you do next. So what am I going to do next? I’m going to deal with the issues I have not
dealt with, I am going to remove the negatives as much as I can, and that
includes people who don’t make me feel good, who change me, who I don’t like
myself around. I’m going to remove myself from things that make me feel bad.
Then there is the good.. I am going to hold on to those who have got me where I
am now. I was wasting too much time, worrying about whether people liked me,
whether I had done enough with people, Fact is, if you have made me question that
and feel that way your gone. I need to think about what I want, and focus on
only that.
I was missing such a vital thing… Self-belief.. And I am
going to chase until I get that back.
The truth is we have all become so exceptionally good at faking our own happiness, we have forgotten what happy is. I want to find what my happiness really is like. I'm sick of not being happy with myself with how I look, who I am, what people think. I guess its time to stop thinking about trivial things like that, and to just accept myself.
Sometimes it really is okay to just not be okay, to leave for a while to repair and reinvent yourself, Its the only way we can build or even grown stronger to begin with.
All I know is that I am going to be okay, we all will.
No comments:
Post a Comment