One month on...
As I wrote before the last time I just wasn't in a 'great' place because I had set myself on this whole looking back business. I was working in a job I didn't agree with, and that didn't make me feel good, and I had lost sight of what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I left that job, and I wont lie I felt like utter crap for a few days, as I had nothing in that moment. No job in November isn't a great thing. I could of just carried on, and I'm surprised that on the downer I was on that I didn't just carry on being a misery guts. Something though, something within me, said No, probably the fact I am a stubborn little bitch, but I just wasn't willing to settle, I wasn't willing to be defeated, miserable or give up on myself. Sometimes I surprise myself with my own strength, because at the end of the day it's only me that makes this actions, that gets myself up again time after time, and also how I don't need anyone to do so. I don't need someone to fix it all for me. I fix myself, I am just honest about it, like in my last blog post, I wont shine coat my life. I wont touch it up to make it look like something its not. I always hope that this honesty and realism about how I feel can help somebody else, I want those to know who may feel darker or the same that life does go on, and that we can face these storms and come out of them.
You know what mostly got me through. As usual - It was everybody else, Thinking about how we all have a purpose, how even though we may feel useless we have use to somebody else. I may have felt like crap but little did I know the affect I may have on someone else, especially those around me. I may be keeping someone else going, and that's where the circle begins. We are all here for each other. I also got to thinking about if I was to go right now, what sort of story would I leave, If I ever have children what would I want them thinking, what would I want to teach them. And I know it would always be to be brave and to be strong and to never give in or give up. I have spent from November the 4th... Being strong, being fearless and by turning things back around. Not once did I consider giving up. I searched for jobs, but more importantly I searched for what and who I wanted to be. After an interview and passing 3 fail or pass exams I passed and am on a new journey now with the NHS, helping others which I am sure now is my vocation in life. I have met new people, spent time laughing and being free, trying new challenges and in general just living. Not once during this time did I look back and regret not being in the domiciliary care sector anymore. I am more certain than ever now that EVERYTHING HAPPENS BECAUSE ITS MEANT TO AND FOR A REASON. Sure, we all get choices, we can opt for different paths, but I strongly believe that you will become who you are destined too and that you will end up right where you should have, even if it takes a little longer than expected. Our paths are well and truly mapped.
I guess I've stopped worrying like I was before. Wondering why I am behind in certain things like not having a boyfriend and stupid shit like that, I realised I may be behind there but am ahead in so much more, with so much life experience! I couldn't give a shit if I am single, If I end up with strings of weirdo dates and no luck with actually finding a decent guy. BIG DEAL I care about myself and what I am doing, how am I bettering myself, my life and those around me that I love life's. I am me, and I am no longer going to be sorry for that or even try and change those facts. In the words of John Candy ' I like me' and those I love like me, and that is all there is to it.
So as December has come round already and creeping up for us all tomorrow, I just want you all to take a moment -and think about the real gifts in your life this month, and those gifts to yourself... - chasing your happiness :)
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