Built how we are

Recently I have reached many points where I have questioned myself. People have either let me down, people that I would never of thought would, or people have just treated me like rubbish in general. There has been a few times in the last week where I have been made to feel like rubbish or that I am simply not good enough. I have got frustrated at myself, and even blaming myself, because if I didn't care so much or wear my heart on my sleeve like an idiot then none of these feelings would exist, and I would probably be a more happier and care-free person.

But after thinking about it, I realized that - I am built this way for a reason, and that I should never question myself or assess myself and feel that I should ever have to change. Nobody should ever feel like that.

When I was around 5, my earliest memories were My Mum and Dad arguing and fighting - I used to put myself between them and ask them to just stop, even at that age I was naive enough to think that I could fix things and people and that things in life were so simple, so simple that I could save an already broken relationship and make two people happy, when the sad truth was, that was never going to be.

When my brother came along - not so long after, I remember being so excited that I finally would have someone that would go through it all with me, so that I wasn't alone when Mum or Dad was crying, I finally had a second in command, and I smothered him and did the annoying big sister thing and still have to this day. Having him taught me to put myself second at an early age, and it taught me that no matter how bad things can get and how alone you can sometimes be that with a sibling who has gone through it all with me - that I'll never be alone in facing things again.

However with my Mum and Dad separating badly, I did learn to be selfless, to this day, I put myself behind anyone I care for, which has meant that I have learnt bad habits, my own worries tend to go on the back burner and I take on everyone else s worries. I have always had to be the protector, and this has meant that I have often found it hard to deal with my own issues, and that I have taught myself to be insignificant to others. - Which is why to this day I think that I have wanted to be a paramedic, because of my need of fixing things and caring for others.

I have often seen all these things to be complete downfalls when it comes to relationships, for one - I always get hurt, I see the good in people - which sometimes isn't there, I trust to easily, and I always fall for things. I also hold onto things when I should learn to let go.

So yes -
Wearing my heart on my sleeve - Is going to make me get ten times more hurt.
Trusting and giving so easily - Will make me feel like I have nothing back
Loving and forgiving too much - Is going to drain me and make me feel weak
Taking things to heart - Will make me feel more downs then ups

But these are values I have learnt through my life, and I can't change who I am, and I don't intend too, as it's got me where I am today, and it's brought me the people I have in my life now.

So for all of you - Never second guess yourself, or wish that you were different. We are all built differently and we have all become the people we are today for a reason, so embrace the things about you that you wish were different, because someone out there wishes for those things for themselves.

Jade xox

Girls with broken hearts.

This is going to be a really biased post, so if you are a male and reading this then I am 'sure' that you go through the exact same, in-fact I know you would have had your heart broken too at some stage, however I am a girl and I am writing this from a girls point of view.

So to the boys who have never had their heart broken maybe reading this you will gain some sort of idea of why girls can end up acting the way that they do.

I have had my heart broken - Twice - This may not seem a-lot - I have obviously had more than two boyfriends, and seen more than two guys - I have. But only twice have I allowed my heart to be broken, the other relationships - I never let it happen.

I first had my heart broken when I was 18 - I had been with that person for about a year and a half, they were my first serious relationship and they were the first person I ever actually loved and cared for and trusted, not only trusted them in the sense that I believed that they were true to me, but I trusted them with my heart. I was wrong obviously, as it ended badly and they went off with another person. I spent about half a year single after this, purposely, saw boys, but never let myself fall for them, kept strong, and if anything I probably came across really 'hard' and non-approachive (This is a thing girls do to protect themselves).

At 19 - I had my next serious relationship, this time, it was for three and a half years, it was serious, we lived together, and we were making life plans, now trusting someone is one thing, but trusting someone after 3 and a half years is different in itself, that person is like part of you - you don't exactly expect someone that close to betray you, but it happened, and they went off with someone else (again).. Heartbreak number two.

Now its been 13 months - and I have stayed single the whole time. I have been on many many many dates and seen a few people here and there - and each one has shown me that being single has been the right choice, as each one of them turned out to be that type of guy (interested in one thing, liar, messy, etc)
Guys have said to me throughout this time that I am too strong, don't give much away or that I need to put my walls down... Each one of these guys, was a dick - so to them - clearly there is a reason for my behavior.

Its hard for girls - They get their heart broken, they get cheated on, sometimes abused, and yet guys continue to do it to them and tell them the reason that they are not interested is because the girl doesn't trust them or that they are too closed up. When really a true man would never say this - they wouldn't even mention it because instead they would be busy making that girl see that they have earned the trust, or making the girl feel that she can let her walls down because he would always be there to catch her when she falls.

If most girls are like me then they wear their heart on their sleeve, they fall for what you say, and they care to much, they pay attention to what you say, they start to trust, and all they really want is a fairytale. So they fall harder and deeper and in the end they get hurt - they always get hurt.

Nobody should ever change who they are for anybody. Nobody should ever waste their time on someone who would not waste theirs. In life things work both ways, trust is earned, it's not just automatically given, when you start seeing someone and if you have been hurt before, you are not just going to give them your world. Boys have definitely got lazy these days, not all, but most.

Bob Marley said 'If she's amazing - she won't be easy, If she's easy - she won't be amazing. If she's worth it - You wont give up. Truth us, everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for'

So maybe that's where girls are going wrong - Maybe we need to carry on being strong - and not trusting, because when a true guy (a man) comes along, you will know, and then it's worth letting your guard down for, and being hurt for. So from now on - That's what I'm doing :)

But for now, Girls - Keep strong, and remember that a real guy will never change you or want you to change.

Jade xox

Why I would always choose love.

What would you do right now if you were told you had a month to live? How would you feel? What would you say? Would you say anything at-all? Unimaginable. Unthinkable. The world we live in, was never meant to be permanent for us. Its a stopping station. We are here for only a while. We are passing by. What we do in that time, will mark us forever, some of us will waste time, others will never let time pass them by.

Recently, I have been made to see, how life is a flickering light, that can shine for us so brightly sometimes, and other times the light diminishes, but the thing about the light, is that it will always go out, and its up to us to enjoy it while its there. I have always known that everyday is precious, but let's be honest, days pass by, and we just go on with our lives, we know bad stuff happens, but we ignore it, its easier and we never think it will happen to us anyway. When it does, its a shock, and I have been shocked, and made to see more than usual that things that are bad can actually happen to us and they will.

Today I have been thinking a-lot, about whether I was told that I had a month left. What would I do? How would I react? I can never begin to imagine. But the first thing that came to mind was to smother the ones I love, to surround myself by every single one of them, and never let go. Because in times like this, the only thing I can think of is Love. I wouldn't spend my time living recklessly, and money would not concern me. I can only think that all I would want to and need to do in that time is leave a mark on the ones I love, and making them see that even though life is fast paced and that there may not have been many chances to tell them how much I loved them, but that I did, and always will.

So how can I work this into my own life from now on? I know that in life, the only other most important thing about showing the ones you love you love them, is showing yourself that too. After all, we can never be as capable of love if we do not love ourselves, and show ourselves that. Without love, to me, there is nothing. There has always been debates, Love V Money, Love V everything else. People will say that, they purposely shy themselves away from love, and some refuse to love, refuse to put themselves out there, and seeing people casually only - is the only thing that they can do. I don't often think about how I come across, or what I do, but I know without a doubt that for me it is impossible not to love, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I get attached, I love blindly, I used to hold it back, and almost see it as a fault, but from now on - I am not going to.

To me, Love is one of the main things that separate us from anything else, and it is what defines us. This is why I would always choose Love. So from today I will live as if everyday is the last, and before this weekend, that was just another cliche quote for me, but I realize now just how true it is, and how if we all had this approach we would maybe appreciate ourselves and those around us more.

So smother and tell the ones you love them, before it's to late, and get out there and realize that sometimes its the small things that make the big things, and that some of the best things in life can only be felt with the heart.

Jade xox