How I self helped myself.

Not everything I write comes easily or is simple to write. This post is not one of them, but it's necessary because I am a firm believer in honesty especially honesty which may go on to help someone reading this.

When I was about 15 - I started to notice how unusually stressed I would get - about the smallest things. One little thing like misplacing something would have the power to ruin my whole entire day, so much that I would not even go to school and would do anything and say anything to just stay in bed and watch the day pass away. Alongside these downers - I would start to fixate over my appearance, hating how I looked and even though I was small and slim - I would look in the mirror and see something completely different. I controlled this in the worst possible way by throwing up almost everything I ate. This part to me - seemed like nothing and for the next 7 years - It would always seem like nothing. The real thing that would freak me out was these downers - the ones that made me insecure, anxious and paranoid and most likely made me a nightmare friend and later a nightmare girlfriend, but it also made me a nightmare to everyone in my life - family included. What was so hard to cope with was that I didn't even understand it myself and I felt like people believed I could just turn it on and off and that I was just playing up - I wasn't - I just could not control my moods and everything that came with them. As much as this downers were hard to deal with - The highs were just as bad - I guess at the time they didn't feel bad - That's the point of them - But in some ways they could be more dangerous especially as I reached 17 - Excessive drinking, excessive spending, uncontrollable behavior and hyperactivity and a sense of there being no danger in anything I did. I still have to suffer for these moods - because at 18 - I got myself into debt by uncontrollable and pointless spending where I had days where I didn't even think or question what I was doing. Being a teenager is scary enough but suffering with something you can't explain - is even more scary. At 18 - I went to the doctors, I didn't really know what to say, what is there to say? 'Oh Hi Doctor, I seem to get sad sometimes and then happy and then the next thing I know I have brought loads of stuff I don't remember buying?' It wasn't that simple and to be honest - I just remember going there and crying and well not even my doctor really knew what to say so in the end I was referred to a specialist someone that knew more about this kind of stuff, and well within a few months I had already started regular counselling sessions, which I hated and well I know they help a-lot of people, But I just felt that they were just trying to dig into my whole life and find an excuse for my behavior. Yes - My parents split up when I was little - Yes I had a hard time seeing them fight throughout my childhood and Yes - It was hard not being able to be a kid when I was a kid - But NO none of this was why I felt like how I felt because my childhood may not have been normal to everyone else but it was normal to me - I had no excuse for what was happening, it just happened. So in the end I was diagnosed with an eating disorder - which I guess I saw coming and I was also told I had mild bipolar disorder which bordered on depression. I didn't go back to counselling. Instead the Doctors just put me on anti-depressants and that was that.

Not long after being put on anti-depressants I started University and I actually started feeling pretty good - new change of scene, new people, I had got over a relationship and I was in a good place, I later went on to find someone else, which started okay and I still felt good, but falling for the wrong person -  a person who cheated on me, brought back a-lot of stuff, and the fact that I was failing to take the anti-depressants properly - put me on a horrible path which lasted another three years. I ended up staying with someone - because I was scared to be alone, and I thought I couldn't and I was with someone who never understood me, or the illness that I had been trying so hard to fight all this time - they made me feel like I was wrong, paranoid and useless and in the end stuff like that can trap you. Other things had happened in this time to which had been hard to deal with - all this on top of exams and trying to get a degree - I did however get a Media Degree and to this day I am pretty proud of myself for actually sticking with it and achieving what seemed unattainable.

Nearly a year and a half ago now that relationship came to an end because somehow I managed to finally find the strength and braveness to walk away for good - It took a-lot over them years but it was the only thing I could do in the end. Throughout my time of suffering with depression - I did self harm and I did do stupid things like taking an overdose. It's something I find so hard to think about or to talk about - and now I am only reflecting on it because recently I know of someone who did take their own life, and it got me thinking about it all again - I know I never intentionally wanted to die or anything like that, I can't explain how I felt at the time, but it came from a place of sadness and desperation and sometimes you can feel like you have no other path or no other way to be heard or to have someone listen. I am only so grateful I snapped out of it at the time because I cannot think of anything more horrible or tragic. I guess I just want to raise awareness and let people know who have or are in this place - that people have been there too and that there are other ways out and that they are never alone and there is always hope.

In December/January I made the decision to quit anti-depressants for good. One day I just woke up and that was that - I had come so far, I believed in myself and I was fully aware of how amazingly strong I was. You really shouldn't just stop and should always consult your doctor. But I was in a good place and had been for such a long time that I was confident that there would be no issue. I have never felt better. I'm not going to lie and say that I am 100% better and that I don't have down days - Because I do. Sometimes I do get insecure, I wake up sometimes and think I cannot do this - and then I stop and tell myself I can - Because I already have for 23 years of my life. Sometimes I still get anxious and think silly things and doubt myself or those in my life - But then I realize how far I come. Sometimes I still get hyper and talk fast and get over excitable but instead of criticizing myself and thinking that I need to reign myself in I just embrace it and realize all these things make me - me.

I just didn't want to rely on medication and in the end I struggle everyday to keep on-top of my emotions, but I have done such a good job, and I know that I am going to be absolutely okay.

I guess I just learnt along the way to replace despair with hope, to force myself to smile when I want to frown and to force myself out of bed every morning with positive thoughts. Its not easy - Its hard and to everyone I know who suffers themselves or to people I know who care about or love someone suffering with any type of mental health illness - then hang in there, patience is your best friend and in the end there is always a better ending.

So please believe and know that whatever is happening right now - can be fixed and is temporary, you are stronger than you know and you are never alone.  If you feel like you may need help then talk to someone - anyone, and if you are on anti-depressants and dream about a day where you don't have to be - then its possible and you can - you just need to do everything in your own way and how you think is best for you.

I can only hope that this post - which was hard to write, has helped someone, or at-least made someone feel that they are not alone in the way they feel and has raised awareness about which can sometimes be a stigma and a taboo subject. Its not - It happens.

I will leave you with some shocking statistics about depression which will hopefully open your eyes a little and make you think about something which is a common illness which can be treated with awareness.

The facts and figures around Mental Health in the UK are alarming.

• 1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year

• Mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental disorder in Britain

• Women are more likely to have been treated for a mental health problem than men

• About 10% of children have a mental health problem at any one time

• Depression affects 1 in 5 older people

• Suicides rates show that British men are three times as likely to die by suicide than British women

• Self-harm statistics for the UK show one of the highest rates in Europe: 400 per 100,000 population

Jade xox

All of your flaws.

We are all built the way we are, flaws and all. I'm not perfect, nor do i pretend to be. I am simply just who I am and we can never really hide or change who we really are, and why should we.
Sometimes life happens so quick, each day passes, we don't have time to think about certain things or to ingest them fully. I guess that's one of the sad things about life.. blink and you will miss it. I guess this is why sometimes I never fully have time to see how I can come across as a person, and to understand it or to even realize it. Life is full of stress and most of the time I am working all these things out that I don't realize how I have been often till it is too late.

I spent most of my teenage years fighting with an eating disorder and anxiety and with extreme mood differences. This led to erratic behavior, drinking way to much, doing stupid things, not caring for my health, losing relationships, and friendships and a best friend along the way. I was lost to be fair, and in the end I crashed and burned and my behavior and lack of care to my health led me to become seriously ill and I ended up in hospital for two weeks with quinsy and when I first got into hospital they said it wasn't looking good. I cant even imagine now how hard and horrible this must have been for my family. I pulled through though, but sadly the illness had left me very underweight, skinnier than I had ever been. I reached seven stone and I couldn't leave hospital until I had at-least put on a few pounds. Back home that was expected to be that and that I would just now get on with these, but obviously I got back to a healthy weight eventually and the insecurities kicked in. I suddenly thought that the 7 stone weight I was - was the normal weight and so that anxiety never went away. Then I ended up in a relationship that I didn't really want to be in, but I had moved out of home, and at the time I needed the stability, I thought it would solve everything, and take away all these problems. Sometimes we get it wrong. If anything my last relationship formed more insecurities and made me believe that I had to be certain way and that everything I felt was wrong, the way I was treated I began to think was normal.

It was only really about a year ago that I started believing in myself, and trying less to fit in, but I guess this was because there was no longer a pressure to please anyone, I spent time all by myself alone, and that became the new normal. I got to know myself, I became to strong. I stopped caring. I stopped crying. And I started doing. Working, volunteering, travelling, writing, anything that would fill the gap of what was no longer there - Somebody to worry about and to consider.

At the beginning of this year I took myself of the anti-depressants that I had been relying on for the last three years, I have not looked back and finally I am able to not rely on anything. It used to be such a hard thing for me to talk about or open up about but now I realize I should not define myself like that or stigmatize anything.

Now comparing myself to my eighteen year old self - I am more calm, I don't suddenly go on a depressive mode where I don't speak for days or leave my room. Nor do I go on a manic mode where I do erratic things like get myself into debt and spend money I don't have. Life was horrible for me then and I didn't even realize it at the time, and it makes me sad thinking of what I was doing and why. I no longer have daily panic attacks and nor do I think about making myself sick everyday like before. I am different now, older and wiser and stronger. But I still have this horrible habit of pushing people away. I don't know whether its a defense thing, protecting myself from being hurt horribly like before. Or just that I have it stupidly programmed into my head that everyone will leave anyway. I have had best friends leave and stab me in the back and boyfriends break my heart - So perhaps my stupid logic tells me that what is the point in letting people get close to you anymore - because everything will end, and everything will turn out bad, why risk it.

I should know better - The last year I have made best friends, from near and far, from meeting in a different country to meeting at work. I guess what I am saying is is that sometimes we all need to just slow down, and take time to breathe and truly think about things for what they are. Instead of thinking the worst, we need to think the best. Instead of thinking everyone will leave, instead that someday someone wont leave, and they will stick around through your bad days and your good. All of it will be worth it. I guess each one of us is a working progress and there is always something we can work on, we all have imperfections, its what makes us human, and different from one another. But the most important thing I have learnt through everything is never let the bad change you into a bad version of yourself, never let it alter your path or your persona. Always let it make you stronger but never let it make you cold and closed.

Jade xox