Glass half full.

I am not one to be a pessimist. I'm really not. I'm one of those people who seems to get the bad luck spell, the crazy bad things happen. I'm the one that ends up in a house fire for real, the one who loses a relationship, a place to live, a job and a car in the space of a few days, oh and the fire, well that happened in the same time frame. People see it as okay though.. I see it as okay, because for some miraculous and unexplainable reason.. I just bounce back from each thing. Despite having about ten different types of job, I have never been out of work. The last year hasn't been an exception either. A few more cars gone, moving place again and again.. three times. Remaining single, yet wasting time in a 'relationship' that made me un-happy. Despite the bouncing back, I end up in similar situations, the only thing that's changed in these years.. is me. To begin with, It was hard when stuff like this happened. I would wonder 'Why me' - Thing is I try to be a good person, good karma and all that. Donate blood, sign up to donate bone marrow, volunteer. I used to think 'Just carry on being good, eventually it will give good back' It didn't. 

8 months ago, I had nowhere to live, It was all just back at a standstill again. From before I had come so far, travelled, volunteered in Thailand, stayed single, did not invest in boys, heart stayed all strong and locked up. I was renting in a house share. It was okay. But then something happened. I thought the thing that we all get the one that changes everything.. I thought 'Is this enough, am I actually happy' I left the job I was in, I left the place I was staying and it needed to change again. I became a Nanny, a live-in Nanny, and I decided that I needed to take a time out, sort myself out, decide what it was I wanted to become. Moved in with a family, no worries of rent or bills, and suddenly I became like a mother of 3 children. I lost that 'Me' time again and whether I intended to or not, I grew to love three little children who I was giving my all too, I realised that this was more than a job. I had to be a teacher, a carer, I had to put their needs first, and listen to all the little human things that children think, feel and do. It became me. Suddenly I was a chef, a chauffeur, a story reader, and artist, an inventor, a cleaner, a maid, so on so on. When I lost someone in a tragic way in November, things changed so much, I had to be grown up and thank god I had this practice, because Mum needed me and I needed to be there for her, in the way I had learnt to care for others. Looking back, this job, those children they got me through and I didn't even realise at the time. I haven't taken time off or a day off here, so I worked through the grief and the loss of someone, the hardship of watching someone pass away, and the sadness that followed death. It got me through, I had to paint a smile on everyday for them and be strong for everybody around me. Well, my job, the children, my boss, they don't need me anymore. The time has come where they will all be at full time school, and I literally feel like they are flying the nest, and now... its just me again. Its bizarre, it probably sounds crazy, but they became a part of my life, and well.. I guess, like parents have to do when their kids go to university or big school, I have to focus on me again. Still I won't lie I am heartbroken. Thank-god I'm still young for a little longer at-least. I have time back. I was at a point where I was not even having time to keep in contact, to go out, as I when I wasn't working 60+ hours a week or babysitting I was sleeping and recovering.

Now don't get me wrong... I do not have it bad. I have it good. Despite a time where I practically lived off of Antibiotics, and the time I was 18 and very poorly, hours away from death. I have it good indeed.

So I started to think about the good. I started to turn it around and make it positive. Because this time, I am not just going to have a quick go at being strong, making it work and patching it up.. I have to do it properly, I have to sort it for life. Can't despair, or be like 'Just my luck' Instead, I think after a long time of patching it up and painting over the marks.. Its time to just undo it in a way. I have been thinking hard all week, about who I am, who I always was, and who I want to be.

Despite the fact that I am yet - to find 'the good guy' - or even be involved with 'the good guy' - I still have hope, and It's not like I have just shut down anyone I have come across. Trouble is, I can be too 'nice' - I care probably far more than the other person ever does, and because of my inability to lose the hope of love and all the mush that comes with it, I give people chances. Now before, I used to be like the best way to deal with it, is just to block it all of, put up the guard, be miserable, and so on. Its easy to do that isn't it. I just don't think that will ever be. I have learnt to accept myself, love myself, and being a person that can be loved, is all you can do, to just have the ability to love and be loved back. So all this I just leave to fate now, which I find is an easier and less stressful option.

I still remain to this day absolutely blessed and grateful that I have a Mum and Dad who I am so close too, despite the fact they are not and haven't been together since I was a little one, individually they are both my best friends. Oh and a brother who is a little brother, but now a bigger brother, so lucky to have the bond we do. In-Fact, I have the best grandparents, amazing cousins, etc - <3

In myself, I have come so far, took steps back, gone a yard back and forward again. A roller-coaster. Last year I have stuck to it all though. Im finally coming across confident and with that inner happiness, and I feel healthier, stronger, fitter, and it's progress, and this will just continue. I think I have just been hurt a lot in the past, like we all do. By friends, relationships even family. Sometimes betrayal is like a rejection and you just end up like a rock. Not much movement, direction or progression but strong. I just think the time is here, when it has to be more than just about being strong. I have achieved that, but there is nothing wrong with a little weakness, whether its trusting someone, learning to love again or by forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to move, to challenge and to let the guard down.

Friends. As you get older, its true, you find out the true ones, and end up with a handful who become family, who stay for life, who are part of you. Recently I have seen that to be true, a friend from University, a best friend, just went MIA, and it made me think that you need to really hold on to these good ones, and the ones that know you, love you and don't hurt you. I am lucky to have a best friend who is a sister for sure, in-fact most of what you have read, is because of her, she got me through. You always need that one. I also have a girl I made friends with at work who to this day I still adore. A friend from school who is in that circle too. It makes it all so much better, easier and worthwhile with a circle you can trust.

Im going to be moving back home for the first time since I was 20. Which is going to be a mix of emotions, but nowhere in the world can beat home, and as for a career? Well this is where I've decided to stop wasting time. Those that know me will know I want to be a paramedic. I want to have a career where I help others. Its just what I want. So no more wasting time. I will be chasing my dreams from now and chasing everything I want, After-all it's not just going to turn up on my doorstep. Its work, it's all what you put in. So no more negativity, false friends, silly guys, getting by on a job, being unsettled with no place to call home... Its time I start living for me, for my dream. So its focus and chasing what I want and acceptance. I want to let people in, make new bonds, friendships, relationships without being scared of the risks that come with it, the risks of being hurt, or maybe even it working. I am going to keep up all the good work so far and not go through the same mistakes again. 

Plus I have a holiday in Holland with the Besty to look forward to and then a New York vacation with the mumma all in July - which I am rather proud of because I actually have managed to save for the whole ten days and pay off 3500 all by myself for these trips. Growing up for sure! 

So, its never to late, to change something, to start again. So all of you, if there is something you know isn't right, or isn't making you happy. Change it, and don't waste time NOT chasing what you want and your dreams.

Jade xox

The trouble with perfect

The last person that I fell for, couldn't fall completely back. In hindsight he was a bastard. But at the time to hear 'But your just not perfect' was actually quite shattering. I did think to myself 'But why?' What was so bad about me? I gave my all despite past hurts, I showed love, affection and everything that someone could need and want, even got duped into keeping my hair a certain colour, changing things about me to fit their mould- but still I wasn't perfect enough and this person was not willing to settle for someone or something that wasn't match perfect. Now fair enough, We shouldn't become a generation of 'Settlers' if it's not there, its not there. But ultimately what was perfect anyway?

I am not perfect.
I suffer from anxiety, not out of control anxiety, but I will worry about things others wouldn't.
I sometimes prefer the comfort of bed and Netflix to getting all pretty and drunk.
I have a big bum, big boobs, hardly a six pack and muscles kinda girl.
My hair has changed colour a thousand times.
I look like a girly girl but truth is Xbox One fulfils me more than a pampering session.
Still working on the eyebrow game.
Im a nanny most likely because part of me still is a kid.
I have a Media Degree, which is no longer even being used, Oh hi student loan debt.
I go from being excitable like a cute bunny to an angry tiger on heat rather easily.
I think I put more effort into others than I do into myself.
Like a bath too many.
Like food too much!
Have about 3 dream careers and I'm 24 and am doing none of them.
In-fact I should cut down the options and figure it all out but I'm not in the mood yet.
I attract weirdos, stalkers and all sorts, but never a good guy.
Having too much sugar turns me into that crazy kid at the school party, bouncy castle, sick.. Need i say more...
I love Disney, Lord of the Rings, Sci-fi and fantasy way too much.
I would rather climb trees then go shopping.
When I love someone, I love them, I give too much, absorb too much and basically get attached.
There is that and then there is this whole shut off mode too.. Wont even reply to your messages really (If you are a guy that is) - bit too used to the single life I'm afraid.
I still have hope, so much hope... even though all that ever happens is normally bad luck and shit haha.
I will wear false eyelashes everyday.
I will have my own insecurities.
I will worry that I am not good enough (for friends, family so on)
I can be too strong.

There are probably a thousand more things I could list, think of and tell you, that are flaws, differences or weak points. But, nobody is match perfect, what you find is that you are somebody's idea of perfect, the things I list, may be just like somebody else. Lets just all get over this idea of being perfect, changing ourselves to fit the mould, adapting to someone else and their needs and wants.

If you don't think I am perfect, I quite frankly don't give two shits. It's about having your own perfect little army, your tribe... Your family, your friends, whoever you have in your life, thats what makes it perfect, they see your imperfections, your flaws and love you regardless. YOU DO NOT NEED anybody that tells you different, the moment someone makes you question yourself, or who you are is the moment that person should be out of there!!!

Accept your flaws, and start seeing the good in yourself, its the only path to happiness, The moment we start to act like our life is a blessing is the moment it will start to feel like one.

It truly does take a level of self love, dedication and determination to live your greatest life, being the best possible version of yourself. You need to stop look within and look at every aspect of your life, ask yourself - Am i on course? Am i growing better, am i growing mentally, emotionally, spiritually? ANYTHING that is blocking any of this is blocking you living in the greatest way, its preventing inner happiness. It takes courage but we need to let go of the negative people, the negative things and the habits we form. Trust in yourself, believe in yourself, without seeking affirmation or approval and then doors will open where walls have previously been.

You are always perfect to someone out there.
And to the one that showed me that I was in an IMPERFECT situation - by treating me imperfectly - Thankyou, I have never been more happier and assured than I am today.

Love Jade xox

Give the gift of life

As some of you may know I have been a regular blood donor for the last three to four years. Not only does doing this save lives, but in a weird way it helps save me. There genuingly is no better feeling than giving.  I started to think what else could I do. Im a perfectly healthy 24 year old, I don't smoke, I drink alcohol rarely, so what was stopping me from doing all I could to give, support and do my part for others who need it? Nothing. Thats when I looked into bone marrow donation. I think people immediately think and assume that bone marrow donation is this painful, long, hard process, its not.

I donated extra blood at my last blood donation in order to join the bone marrow register there, but I also stumbled across ANTHONY NOLAN. After reading, researching, hearing wonderful things I straight away applied, received my pack quickly, sent back a spit sample and here I am a few weeks later, on their register as a possible match to save someones life. Now let me tell you more, and more importantly let me tell you why you reading this... is needed.. is vital and is important, because you can save someones life, multiple lives, you are a hero in waiting.

WHO?

Calling all 16-30 year olds.

Blood cancer. The only cure? You.

Your blood stem cells. If you are 16-30. 

Ofcourse people over 30 can make excellent donors too, and thats why people stay on the register until they are 60. Younger donors are more likely to have fewer complications and it can save time and money when it comes to matching donors. It costs £100 to add a donor to the register so if you cannot donate how about donating money? You can help in so many ways. Fundraising, spreading awareness.

If someone from an ethnic minority needs a transplant to cure their blood cancer, their only chance of finding a matching donor will be from someone of the same ethnicity. For Asian patients, this is just 6% of Britain. And it’s not just Asian patients. It can be difficult to find a matching donor for other people from an ethnic minority in the UK, like African-Caribbean or Jewish patients.

That's why we need more diverse donors

Right now, white Europeans have a 90% CHANCE of finding a matching donor, while ethnic minorities have just 40% chance.

With a more diverse register of donors, we can help to address this imbalance and work to ensure that nobody dies waiting for lifesaving stem cells, no matter who they are.

HOW?

Like I mentioned, there is this myth that donating is a terrible and painful experience with needles, risky and dangerous operations and permanent loss of our own bone marrow. All of this really is just a myth and it's preventing you and others in signing up.  Donating is a painless process much like giving blood and 9 in 10 now donate their stem cells and not their bone marrow. If you are one of the 10% who gives bone marrow you’ll be under general anaesthetic so there won’t be any pain during the procedure. Afterwards, you’ll probably feel a bit tired and bruised, and you might have to take a few days off work. But you would have saved a life, which in my opinion is well worth a few days out of action. 

With the donation of stem cells its done by the process called peripheral blood stem cell collection. An easy simple process. A nurse will come either to your home or your workplace and give you injections of granulocyte colony-stimulating factor (G-CSF) over a course of 4 days this will increase the number of stem cells that you produce, then on the forth day you will go to your collection centre or blood centre for your injection and the PBSC donation will start the next day - which is where a nurse or doctor takes some blood. THAT IS IT.

With bone marrow donation it is a case of spending two nights in a london hospital under general anaesthetic, they will take bone marrow from your pelvis using a needle and syringe with the same side affects after of tiredness and flu like symptoms.

I wouldn't even question giving either way!

So now you know who and how... BUT WHY?

WHY?

Blood Cancer.

What is this? - Blood cancer is a term for cancers that affect the blood, the bone marrow and the lymphatic system. EVERY 20 minutes in the UK someone is told they have blood cancer. 70 people a day. 25,000 a year. 

Leukaemia, Lymphoma, Myeloma - Three main groups.

Leukamia is the 11th most common cancer in the UK.

Non-Hodgkin is the sixth most common.

I'm certain that in the society we live in today with social networks - we all know of someone who has suffered. 

We all need good and healthy bone marrow and blood cells to live. Those with conditions, diseases and cancers will have their bone marrow and blood affected, a stem cell transplant could be their best option, their only option.

Seeing as our red and white blood cells don't live very long we depend on our stem cells to make fresh new blood cells.  Our red cells carry oxygen around our body. Our white blood cells help fight infection.

YOU can donate yours now... because

for so many out there right now this is their cure, their only cure.

Be the hero - Join the register now at Anthony Nolan Register

and I'm going to be cheeky here but if you are not already please become a blood donor, its quick, easy and saves lives every single time you donate - Find out all about it here Donate Blood

These are honestly the best gifts you can ever give, to those receiving you are giving them life, and for you, you will feel wonderful (I promise) 

Thankyou so much for reading and helping in raising awareness for these great causes.

Love always 

Jade xox

How the past still seems like yesterday

It's been a long time coming, a post about this, or even talking about it.
At the same time, maybe it should just stay locked away like a lot of other things.
It's true what they say though, if you have healed from something it becomes easier to write about, but can you ever truly heal from everything or are there just some things that remain scars forever. Perhaps for a reason.

If I am completely honest, I don't even know how to write about this, or if I even should. With my writing - I write for myself, but I also write hoping that others can make sense of it, and that others can think 'God I've been there' or 'I know exactly what she means' Writing can heal, but it can help others feel like they are not alone in their experiences, and if more discussion happened perhaps more could be done, things could be fixed, and we can all make sense of what we go through in life.

They say that we are who we are today because of our PAST. Everything that happens to us in our lives, affects us, whether we realise that at the time or not. Actions have consequences, and past hurts can affect why we are the way we are today.

We are going back to a time in my life, where even now it is still crystal clear, but at the same time an ongoing blur that at the time made no sense either.

I was 18. Thinking that - That's now 6 whole years ago. Is.. well.. frightening. Time does go so quickly, but it could just as easily be like yesterday. Now seeing as well there is this fabulous, invading thing - 6 degrees of separation. We all know its likely that if your reading this blog, then you know me, know of me, or know people that I know. So I will not be naming names, if you know me well, then you will know anyway, and again I am not writing this as if I'm creating a transcript for a Jeremy Kyle show, it's writing about myself. Although to any younger readers out there who are 18 or around that age now, it may be like something you know so well, and all I can say is thank god in one aspect that I am not still at this age, looking back does feel like looking back onto someone else's life now.

I wouldn't say I ever had an 'easy' time of things. But during my second year of sixth form things -clicked into place and out of it- at the same time. Home-life was chaotic, and although at the time it was fun and cool to be drinking - I kind of took it too far. At the time you never really see what is really going on, we don't know what happens in other peoples lives. As much as everyone around me thought it was funny - If I was to be like that now It would be an issue, people would think - Why is she drinking so much? I had good friends in sixth form. I had had the same three best friends throughout most of school, and in year one of sixth form that stayed the same. But at that age, there really is no maturity, everyone is in a mixed place, 'stress' of study and not really knowing what they want to be. You take things, times, and people for granted, and the time goes in a blink of an eye that so much can happen, so many drastic changes. I have always been one of these people - I count people so important and close to me but go the wrong way about it all. I had a turbulent childhood like many, - parents broke up - bad times with them, we moved around a bit. Weekends were spent with my dad, weekdays with my mum ( the usual thing ) - But it just meant that I was always scared people would leave. I had only known people to leave, and that's when I would react.

So turning 18, being drunk a lot, coming out of a relationship, I would panic that I just couldn't trust anybody. I would push people away without even realising. I also had issues that I didn't even know about, and I don't think the people round me really even knew. I had an eating disorder, anxiety and bouts of depression, but to me I thought it was all pretty normal. I had a best friend, that became really close to me. We had been in a friendship group but in second year it kind of grew apart, however we grew closer. Everyone knew we were best friends, we were seen as a duo, but she started to become closer with some new girls (as you do) and It's as if I just self destructed, the way I saw it she would leave anyway, so I may as-well push her to do it sooner. It was ridiculous. I had also been really poorly at sixth form and was in hospital for a while, and I went back in second year and was off for a while, I guess without knowing it, I was just down, but at the same time I didn't talk about to my friends, especially my best friend, so to her I was probably just acting like a bitch, when really I was just acting out as a bit of a lost, down, and depressed 18 year old.  We had a massive fall out. People split into groups, it was sour, things happened on both sides. But even then I just didn't admit or show that I was that bothered. Its always been the same with me.. Put on a brave face, act strong, don't show it affects you. When really this just painted me as the bad guy. Its not even that, but it was playground stuff too. Being at sixth form everybody knew, so everyone had their say, people told me stuff about her, what she had said, done, obviously it was just rumours - thank god playground days are over, but obviously people did the same to her. It was pure bitchiness, girls can be terrible, but boys joined in too, it was like everyone wanted a massive fight and feud, but you never know at that age how damaging that can actually be. So I hated her, she hated me, when really I don't think I even had hate for her, I loved her. Its only as I got older, and went through my own life experiences, grew up, discovered new friendships that I look back and realise it was probably all hearsay. I remember people telling me she had spiked my drink at a party, and I believed it so much it made me sure to not speak to her, when in reality if I had, we may still have been friends to this day.

I obviously grew up. went to University and made new friendship groups, with a best friend who became like a sister, she taught me about friendship, and with her I put my trust completely. We never argue, we never let it get to that stage, and we work on our friendship, we talk, and its different. I went on to Travelling Asia, and found another best friend there, and one through work and its the same thing, distance or time changes nothing. I still have great friends that I have had from school too the other two girls in the group I still adore, although we don't see eachother as often as I like. So why now am I writing this? For a long time I stayed away from certain places, didn't speak to certain people. I guess I was hurt for a long time, and felt betrayed by certain people. As you grow up you let go of it, because you go through harder things. But when my Brother was out recently he mentioned he had seen that old best friend of mine from the glory days of 18, and well it made me think. Sometimes things can pop up, you go forever without thinking about it or someone and well, then there it is and suddenly your back to that time as if it was the here and now, because the feelings didn't ever really go, not if your like me, and care too bloody much about everything. I've been home a lot more now. Living back there. It was like stepping into a time machine. When my brother told me it dawned on me, everyone else would be back, and you think you can live your life avoiding something, someone, a situation, but the  reality is you cant do that forever. So Boom... There I was thinking all of what I have said in this post. I did try to reach out once to my old best friend, she didn't want to know, she blamed me for it all, as if she was the only one that got hurt and I know she still wouldn't want to now. I lost a lot of 'friends' during that time, and still to this day - I know old alliances most likely exist, and that people just don't want to know, or go back. Which I get. It just makes it hard. It would be nice to be able to walk down the street and if you accidently bump into someone to be able to be civil. I hold no hate towards anybody, I just wish it could have moved on and got to a point of rest. It did hurt me massively and I don't want to have to be wary of who I talk to now or get close too, through worry of mutual friends. It made me so untrustworthy for a while and conscious of friendships, because it did ultimately make me feel like even more like 'everyone leaves, and goes' 

Also back after sixth form I wrongly assumed me and this best friend had sorted it out, we had wrote to each other and seen each other and I thought in my mind we had cleared the air but then one day she had just blocked me on things and that was that. I assume it could never be the same for her, or that she heard more hearsay. 

So I guess by summing it up - If you are in this situation now, then resolve it, talk about it, discuss it. Having a best friend doesn't have to be compromised - Things can always be fixed and sorted. That time of your life can be hard, confusing, unsettling, but you can salvage things.

I also just want to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone I have ever wronged, whether I realised or not. I am sorry. If I took you for granted, your friendship for granted, I like to think now I am a better person, an improved person, but it can still happen. So to everyone value your friends, make them feel important, and hold on to them, don't go days without speaking or hold grudges, you will regret it one day. Friends are the family you choose after all, and to those who I am lucky to have in my life now.. I love each and everyone of you :)

Anyone else ever experienced something like this? Let me know

Jade xox

Letter to my present self

A while back I wrote a few posts. One was - Letter to my sixteen year old self, looking back on the past, and the other was letter to my future self, obviously writing to who I suppose I would be in ten years. I got a lot of positive feedback on these posts, and also found it helped me, in looking back on how things were and reflecting and giving notes to myself in ten years time, thinking about where I hoped I would be in that time. I decided to try and focus on the NOW - which I think can actually be harder then looking at the past and future. Its not often we sit and reflect about how we feel now or what's actually happening around us. Days go by quick, and often there isn't much that can landmark our time now, and the days that are going by now. So here I am about to seriously reflect and look at the present, as if I was an outsider on my own life. Apologies in advance for the absolute cringe and cheese of this ;)


It seems like bad things just keep on happening, and you tell yourself time after time the same stuff and the same advice. But life is about just carrying on and pushing through, its not like we can just give up is it? The last 7 months, there is change as usual. Its not like you saw yourself becoming a Nanny, even though compassion and care has always been there, its not the path you saw yourself taking and you know its not the path that you will be on for the rest of your life. We are given things temporily for reasons, to learn more to grow and to carry on us on to the next step.

Dealing with losing someone, watching someone leave this world was hard, possibly one of the hardest things you ever have had to go through, and second to that being there for Mum, watching her sadness and despair, and as a daughter trying to fix things and understand things when there has been nothing but darkness in those worst times. You thought you had done all the growing up there was to do, but you were wrong, there was things you learnt since that day in November that you never even knew needed learning. You had never had to really deal with anything like this before, and then to lose other people in the family, through such tragic circumstances as recent as March, it has made you think. Family truly is precious, and you count your family as your everything, because that and your close friends is all you count as yours... Its what you have and hold on too. Which is why everyday it has hurt you that you have that one person who you saw as so important, to not want you in their life anymore, because you thought family was forever and that family forgive always. It wasn't the case, sometimes we have to just let go and accept others for what they feel and want. It is sad, but we can't change certain things unfortunately.

Its good that you count your blessings everyday when it comes to those you love. You are so lucky to have parents that are like best friends, a brother, beautiful and loving grandparents, cousins you have gone through so much with and a whole family over in Ireland who you are yet to experience. The friends you do have now are best friends who you could never imagine living without, they are family now too. The ones who have gone.. well that's for a reason. They were not meant to stay. But remember everyone who enters your life brings something, a lesson, a reason, and they leave in the same way. Those who stay were meant to stay. Nothing is coincidence.

 Don't worry so much about the fact that your not at where you want to be yet. Some of the best and most talented people didn't get there until they were older then you are, and some of them didn't even know what it was they wanted to do. It will happen, and when it does you will be happy you took the time in truly finding out what it is that will make you content and happy everyday, a job in which just fits, which makes sense, a mixture of using talent, and doing good for others. Keep that idea of 'Having a job that allows you to do good in the world' - I know that it will be to do with this. I feel it. It just doesn't work any other way - then to try and try to help and fix things. Its always been the way. For now, its shaping and helping three little ones to grow into adults, what you do now, shapes them forever.

Its not always easy, even though you have your own life in check and even though your 'stronger' then you have ever been. It can still be hard everyday, and I think its simply because you care a lot, about everybody else, and how they are. You deal with not just your life, but those around you, because they have battles that they are facing, and you cant stand to let them deal with them alone. You want to help everyone else, and be there for others, and somehow this takes light off your own troubles and your own life. Sometimes it is as if there is no time left for you. It can be lonely, with work, because its not the kind of job in which you see people throughout the week, and when you get the time off you are helping out others or volunteering in some way.

I think you started this pattern off a few years back, when you were left with next to nothing after losing so much. Focusing on everyone but yourself made it easier to get through all the bad things I guess. But then you have always put yourself second to those you care about.

I'm glad your over the stage of 'Needing' to find someone, and needing to settle for someone. Never settle. You wasted so much time (nearly a year) on someone because you didn't want to be lonely, you let them change you, you let them tell you what colour to dye your hair (I mean come on!!) You should have learnt from every guy you have ever been with - That you shouldn't put up with shit like that. Just because someone is older than you - Should never mean they are right or know what is best. Only you can ever know what is best and right for you. Someone will come along who wont want to change you - That will be someone you should open the walls to again, but never anybody else. You worry you come across too closed off, and guys have said that. But they say that because they are not right for you either you know you will give everything to the right one and there is no shame that they just haven't come along yet. So I'm glad that you feel and know this all now. Yeah its been hard that your the only single one in your friends, but so - it means nothing. You just cant and wont get hurt again over nothing. Next time you let someone in they have to be worth it, it has to be real, and you have to get butterflies when you see them, it has to be a good thing. You have put up with so much rubbish - so much so that you even wondered if there was any good guys out there, doubting that is just awful, because there is good guys out there, and there is someone for everyone, I truly believe that. If you have a dream then you cant just let it diminish, and if you know what you want from a guy and a relationship you cant just settle or give it up for something that means nothing to you. If you want to be romanced then wait for it, if you want something special and amazing, then wait for that too. No more wasting time on the same old guys, stupid date sites, or anything like that. Wait to be swept away by someone good and special. The risk will always be worth it then. I promise.

Sometimes people say 'Oh you should be more selfish' 'Stop worrying so much about everyone else' 'Focus on you' But if your a selfless person, selfishness is just not you. You worry about those you love, because if they are okay then you have one less worry. Focusing on you, is focusing on what makes you happy and if making others happy is a part of that then never stop. It could of been so easy, to give up, to change. People showing you their worst, and giving you hurt, has only made you more determined then ever to not be like that yourself. Everyday it becomes more clearer that trying to do good everyday, and trying to be a better person and helping others in any way you can - is the best way, you may fail, but trying is the main part.

Change happens every single day. Don't let it change the good in you.. only let it alter the bad.

Jade xox